Why Modern Confinement Practices Misunderstand the Mother-Baby Bond
My third born and I
When I gave birth to my first child, I was told by my confinement nanny not to carry my own baby. “You need to rest,” she said firmly as she held my baby in her arms. While I understood the intent—ensuring I recovered well after childbirth—there was something deeply unsettling about the experience.
Here I was, the mother of this tiny human I had nurtured for nine months, feeling like I had to ask permission from a stranger to hold my baby. I remember standing there, hesitating, wondering if it was okay to say, “I want to hold her now.” My baby, my flesh and blood, felt oddly out of reach. That was the moment I realized something was profoundly wrong with our modern idea of confinement.
The Problem with Today’s Confinement Practices
Confinement, a practice rooted in tradition, was originally designed to support new mothers. It focuses on providing nourishment, rest, and care during the early postpartum weeks. But somewhere along the way, it became about separation—separating mothers from their babies under the guise of “helping.”
While well-meaning, this approach often leaves mothers sidelined, disconnected from their babies, and, frankly, disempowered.
Here’s why this is problematic:
It Disrupts Bonding: The postpartum period is critical for mother-baby bonding. Skin-to-skin contact, the sound of your baby’s cry, and even the act of responding to their needs build an unshakable connection. When others take over, mothers can miss these crucial moments, leaving them feeling detached or “out of sync” with their baby.
Inaccurately Assuming Skin-to-Skin Is Too Cold for Mother and Baby: There’s a common misconception that skin-to-skin contact between mother and baby is risky because it could cause both to feel cold. Some worry that skin-to-skin will chill both the mother and baby, but research shows the opposite: skin-to-skin contact actually helps regulate both body temperatures. According to studies, babies who are placed skin-to-skin with their mothers experience a rise in body temperature, and the mother’s body responds by increasing its own temperature to keep the baby warm. This natural regulatory mechanism helps both mother and baby stay comfortable, warm, and secure, proving that skin-to-skin contact isn’t just a bonding activity—it’s also a physiological benefit. However, many confinement practices strongly discourage this.
It Creates Breastfeeding Challenges: Breastfeeding isn’t just about milk—it’s about proximity, practice, and learning your baby’s cues. Frequent nursing and skin-to-skin time help establish a healthy milk supply. Separating mothers and babies often leads to missed feeds, reliance on bottles, or even early weaning because the natural rhythm of breastfeeding is interrupted.
It Undermines Maternal Confidence: When someone else handles your baby’s every need, it’s easy to feel like a spectator in your own motherhood journey. Many mothers end up questioning their instincts or doubting their ability to care for their baby—feelings that can linger long after confinement ends.
The Emotional Toll of Separation
For me, those weeks of confinement were bittersweet. On one hand, I was grateful for the help. On the other, I felt an ache in my chest every time I saw someone else holding my baby. I wanted to feel the weight of her tiny body in my arms, to smell her newborn scent, and to learn what each of her cries meant. What made it harder was the sense of guilt.
Was I being selfish for wanting to carry her?
Was I “ruining” my recovery by insisting on breastfeeding her on demand?
This sense of disconnect goes beyond just missing the closeness with your baby; it has an emotional and physiological impact. Being separated from your baby, particularly during the first few days and weeks, can inhibit the natural release of oxytocin—a hormone crucial not just for breastfeeding, but for emotional bonding, healing, and well-being.
Oxytocin is often referred to as the "love hormone"
Oxyoticn is released when mothers engage in physical closeness, like skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding. This hormone helps with uterine contractions, milk letdown, and recovery after childbirth. It also plays a critical role in reducing stress and promoting feelings of calm and joy. Without enough oxytocin, mothers may be at higher risk of experiencing postpartum anxiety or depression.
When a mother is told to rest and let others care for her baby, she misses out on the benefits of oxytocin that come with being physically close to her newborn. That disconnect can make it harder for her to bond emotionally, and it may contribute to a sense of isolation or confusion for some mothers.
After I started advocating for myself and holding my baby more, I noticed a shift in my own mood. I felt less anxious, more in tune with my baby’s needs, and more confident in my role as her mother.
Chilling with my first born, hiding in my own room
“This shift wasn’t just emotional—it was hormonal. The act of holding her, nursing her, and responding to her cues activated that beautiful oxytocin release, which made me feel more grounded and less overwhelmed by the stresses of early motherhood.”
A Couple Navigating Nighttime Parenting - A Case Study
During my practice, I worked with a wonderful family who faced an unexpected challenge after their confinement nanny completed her month-long stay. Like many families, they had hired a nanny to help them navigate the exhausting early postpartum days, giving them much-needed rest and recovery time. The nanny handled most of the nighttime caregiving, allowing the parents to recharge.
When the nanny’s term ended, the parents stepped into nighttime parenting fully for the first time. That first night, they found themselves surprised and unprepared for the experience. Their baby woke up frequently, fussing or making small noises throughout the night—completely normal for a newborn. However, because they hadn’t been involved in the nighttime routine earlier, the parents weren’t familiar with their baby’s natural rhythms and signals.
The parents shared their feelings of overwhelm with me during our consultation, not because they were unloving or inattentive, but simply because they hadn’t had the opportunity to adapt to this aspect of parenting during the first month. Their experience was a reminder that no matter how well-supported a family is, firsthand familiarity with their baby’s patterns is essential for confidence and connection.
This family’s story is an important example of why early involvement in caregiving—both day and night—is so valuable. It’s not about doing everything on your own but about striking a balance between accepting support and building your own understanding of your baby’s unique needs. This preparation can make transitions, like when additional help ends, much smoother for everyone involved.
The importance of this emotional connection can’t be overstated. Being physically close to your baby isn't just a luxury—it’s vital for emotional and psychological well-being for both mother and child. When we honour the mother-baby bond and allow space for it to grow naturally, we help reduce the risk of postpartum depression and anxiety, fostering a healthier start for both.
Let’s Recap Why Togetherness Matters
Mothers and babies are biologically designed to be together, especially in the first few weeks postpartum. This period, often called the “fourth trimester,” is when babies rely on their mothers for regulation, comfort, and security. Being close to your baby also has benefits for you as a mother:
Hormonal Benefits: Skin-to-skin contact releases oxytocin, which not only helps with bonding but also aids in uterine recovery and milk production.
Emotional Healing: Holding and caring for your baby can help reduce feelings of anxiety or postpartum depression.
Confidence Building: The more time you spend with your baby, the more confident you become in understanding and responding to their needs.
How to Reimagine Confinement for Togetherness
Confinement doesn’t have to mean separation. It’s entirely possible to prioritize recovery while staying connected to your baby. Here’s how:
Redefine “Help”: Support doesn’t have to mean someone else takes over baby care. Other hired help, can focus on cooking, cleaning, and other household tasks so you can rest and focus on breastfeeding and being with your baby if you desire. If you have a confinement nanny, let her know you want to be actively involved in feeding your baby, and she can handle other aspects of baby care.
Say Yes to Skin-to-Skin: Make skin-to-skin contact a daily priority. Whether it’s breastfeeding, soothing, or simply snuggling, keeping your baby close helps strengthen your bond and boosts your confidence.
Be the Sole Feeder Whenever Possible: Even if the nanny or another caregiver helps with nighttime care, consider being the one to feed your baby when baby wakes up. Breastfeeding directly during the night supports milk production and helps your body respond to your baby’s needs.
Utilize the Hired Help to Support Burping and Diaper Changes: Let the nanny or the other caregiver assist with tasks like burping the baby after a feed, changing diapers, or settling the baby back to sleep. This ensures you’re not overly exhausted but still maintaining the feeding bond. Or let your partner take over with this task all together!
If you need to pump: If you’re pumping, someone else can assist by sterilizing pump parts, preparing bottles, or even holding the baby while you pump. This allows you to focus on milk expression without additional stress.
Stay Involved in Nighttime Routines on Most Nights: If you want to rest at night but still maintain breastfeeding, consider a middle-ground approach. For example, the nanny can bring the baby to you for feeds and handle the rest of the routine afterward, so you’re still present for the nursing moments. There are ways to also feed baby and mother can rest at the same time by practicing Laid Back Breastfeeding Position or Side Lying.
Learn Together: If your nanny or helper is experienced, ask them to share tips or observe their techniques for soothing or handling your baby. However, ensure these align with your breastfeeding goals, such as avoiding formula supplementation unless medically necessary.
Monitor Baby’s Feeding Cues Together: Both Mum and Dad to work with the nanny to learn and respond to your baby’s hunger cues. Encourage her to call you immediately when the baby is rooting, even if it’s for cluster feeding sessions.
Communicate Your Needs: Be clear with your confinement nanny or helpers about how you want things to be done. If you want to breastfeed or carry your baby, say so—your wishes as a mother should always come first.
Educate Yourself About Breastfeeding: Before confinement begins, learn about breastfeeding basics especially from a dedicated breastfeeding-focused class such as this Breastfeeding Essentials Class. Understanding how supply works, why frequent nursing is essential, and how to troubleshoot common issues will give you the confidence to take the lead.
My family with our youngest just a few weeks old
Changing the Narrative
We need to move away from this outdated notion that a mother’s recovery and her connection to her baby are mutually exclusive. Rest and bonding can coexist—and they should.
If I could go back to those early days, I’d tell myself to hold my baby more, to ignore the voices saying “let someone else handle it,” and to trust my instincts. Because those moments of closeness? They’re fleeting, and they’re worth everything.
To all the new mothers out there: your baby needs you, and you need your baby. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to choose between recovery and connection. You can have both—on your terms.
“Motherhood is messy, beautiful, and deeply personal. Let’s create a new narrative around confinement, one that honors both the mother’s need for care and the baby’s need for closeness. Because, at the end of the day, the best place for a baby to be is in their mother’s arms.”
Disclaimer:
Please note that this article is not intended to discredit the invaluable work that confinement nannies provide. Many nannies are incredibly skilled and genuinely supportive, often working tirelessly to help mothers recover during the postpartum period. However, it is common for some nannies, with the best intentions, to encourage mothers to rest by separating them from their babies, which can unintentionally impact breastfeeding and bonding.
To help families find nannies who are truly supportive of breastfeeding, it’s essential to seek out genuine reviews and recommendations. For a list of breastfeeding-friendly nannies, feel free to check out [this link].