Society’s Bounce-Back Expectation for Mothers is Unrealistic and Unfair
Me and my third baby, just 48 hours old
In my line of work, I encounter a troubling expectation time and time again: the notion that mothers should “bounce back” after childbirth as though the transition to motherhood is a brief phase rather than a profound life change. This expectation is so deeply woven into our cultural fabric that we’ve normalised the idea of returning to “normal” in record time. However, motherhood is not about bouncing back; it’s about transforming—a complex and nuanced experience with its own term: matrescence.
Anthropologist Dana Raphael first coined the term matrescence in the 1970s to describe the intense transformation into motherhood. Known for her work in maternal health and breastfeeding advocacy, Raphael saw parallels between matrescence and adolescence, as both involve major physical, emotional, and psychological shifts.
While we allow teenagers the space to navigate their transition with support and understanding, we rush mothers back into productivity, aesthetics, and stability without the same grace. Recently, the concept of matrescence has gained recognition, helping us understand that becoming a mother isn’t about “bouncing back” but about growing into a new version of oneself.
The pressure to conform to this unrealistic ideal is especially strong in the online space.
Social media, filled with images of “perfect” post-baby bodies and stories of quick returns to work, creates a distorted view of reality for mothers, who may then feel inadequate when their own journeys don’t look the same. This expectation extends beyond body image—it pressures mothers to suppress the very real challenges they face, pushing through exhaustion, hormonal changes, and the weight of caregiving without acknowledging the upheaval they’re living through.
I remember being told I still had a pregnancy belly one month postpartum. As a third-time mom, I could brush off the comment, but I couldn’t help thinking how crushing it would feel for a new mother experiencing this for the first time. Such remarks only add to the weight of unrealistic expectations, undermining the real and often difficult process of adapting to motherhood. Instead of supporting mothers in this transition, society pressures them to fit an ideal that isn’t grounded in reality.
We are, in many ways, normalising the wrong things.
Instead of valuing a mother’s journey through matrescence, society often prioritises how quickly she can resume her pre-baby life. We need to shift our perspective to recognize that this transition is as essential to the fabric of our lives as any other major life phase. Motherhood fundamentally changes us, and honouring that process takes time and support.
Myself on a park bench during a solo trip to Los Angeles as a third time mum
I’ve walked this road myself. After the birth of my first child in 2016, I took a four-month maternity leave, which felt simultaneously like a blink and a lifetime. I remember going back to my job as the head of marketing, thinking I could just pick up where I’d left off. But the reality was that I didn’t feel like the same person. In my mind and in the corporate world, I felt I had to look like I had it all figured out just four months into my new identity: a full-time working mother. I had to show that I still had the energy of someone without a new baby. I had to show that my brain still worked the same when it came to transitioning back to work after nine months of pregnancy, birthing, and four months of learning my new life with my baby.
Not only does matrescence involve changes in identity and responsibilities, but it also brings about significant neurological shifts. Research shows that a mother’s brain undergoes remarkable plasticity after childbirth, adjusting and reorganising to meet the demands of caring for a newborn.
Here are a few examples of how these changes impact a mother’s daily life:
Heightened Emotional Sensitivity: Mothers often become more attuned to their baby’s needs, reacting quickly to subtle cues like a cry, fuss, or change in breathing. This heightened sensitivity is a result of the brain’s plasticity, which sharpens a mother’s ability to respond intuitively to her child. However, this same sensitivity can make mothers more vulnerable to stress and anxiety, as they’re biologically wired to worry about their baby’s well-being.
Increased Empathy: The brain shifts to prioritise empathy, fostering a deep bond with the baby. This can extend beyond the baby as well, making mothers more empathetic in general. While this can create a strong sense of connection, it can also be emotionally overwhelming, especially when combined with newborn caretaking and hormonal changes.
Greater Focus on Caregiving Tasks: A mother’s brain often reorganises to improve memory and focus around caregiving tasks, which is crucial for learning the routines of a newborn, such as feeding, soothing, and monitoring developmental milestones. However, this heightened focus on caregiving can make it challenging to concentrate on work or other pre-baby interests, as the brain is wired to prioritise the baby’s needs above all else.
Changes in Social Behavior: Many new mothers experience shifts in social priorities. Some may feel a stronger pull toward creating a nurturing community or seeking out other mothers for support, while others may feel less inclined to socialise in the way they did before. This change reflects the brain’s adjustment toward relationships that are supportive of the caregiving journey, which may include letting go of certain social activities that no longer align with their new role.
These changes aren’t fleeting—they are part of the brain’s adaptive process to support motherhood. However, the emotional intensity that comes with them can make the expectation to “bounce back” even more unrealistic, as mothers are navigating shifts that affect them on a fundamental, neurological level.
My third born and I
So, back then when I was a new mother, I knew I wasn’t going to “bounce back” (though I unknowingly was trying so darn hard to). In fact, I was trying to navigate this completely new role in life, while juggling the weight of a demanding career. And, to be honest, I felt compelled to overcompensate for the time I’d been away, almost as if I needed to prove I was still the same working professional. But I wasn’t. And no one told me that was okay. No one assured me it was okay to pace myself.
Mothers grappling with guilt for feeling overwhelmed and lost
In my work as a lactation consultant and life coach for mothers, I see mothers grappling with guilt for feeling overwhelmed and lost, simply because society tells them they should be able to handle it all and look flawless while doing it. The truth is, motherhood isn’t about perfection or performance—it’s about adaptation, growth, and resilience. By nurturing these qualities and providing mothers with the space to redefine their sense of self, we can help them thrive in a way that’s authentic to their experience.
To truly support mothers, we need to stop pressuring them to “bounce back” and start celebrating their journey. Whether it’s encouraging employers to offer more flexible return-to-work options, creating safe online spaces for mothers to share their unfiltered experiences, or simply validating the emotional toll of matrescence, society must redefine its expectations. In doing so, we honour not only mothers but also the powerful impact of matrescence on the next generation.
If you’re in this stage of matrescence right now, here are a few things I’ve learned along the way that might help you navigate it with a bit more ease:
Give Yourself Permission to Feel Different: This isn’t just about your body changing—it’s about your whole identity evolving. Accept that it’s okay not to feel the same as you did pre-baby. That’s part of the journey, and there’s no timeline you need to follow.
Redefine Success for Yourself: It’s easy to measure yourself against past goals or society’s expectations, but this season of life calls for new definitions of success. It’s about finding balance, joy, and purpose in ways that feel right for you. That might mean smaller victories, like getting through a week with a bit of rest or carving out a few moments of self-care.
Seek Out a Life Coach or Counselor: Speaking from experience, having someone to guide you through this transition can be transformative. A life coach can help you clarify your goals, set realistic expectations, and redefine who you want to be in this new phase of life. I’m currently pursuing my second certification in coaching, and I can vouch for the power of having an outside perspective. We need people in our corner who understand that motherhood is a journey, not a finish line.
Be Kind to Yourself: This one sounds simple, but it’s probably the hardest. The world may expect us to snap back and carry on, but we don’t have to accept that as our reality. Embrace the messiness, give yourself space to adapt, and remind yourself that motherhood is as much about self-growth as it is about caregiving.
My boys and I in Canada
If we, as a society, can start seeing matrescence for the transformative experience it is, maybe we can also make space for mothers to find their own way through it without the pressure to “bounce back.” Instead of focusing on speed and productivity, we can embrace the richness of motherhood’s journey, knowing it’s changing us for the better.
Why the heck are we rushing mothers during this stage?
Besides, studies show that matrescence can last years, with many mothers reporting they start to feel like themselves again around the two-to-three-year mark. For some mothers, it can take up to five years to fully integrate this new version of themselves. This lengthy process highlights just how unrealistic it is to expect mothers to return quickly to their pre-baby selves, as true adjustment to motherhood unfolds far beyond the immediate postpartum phase.
“Motherhood is one of life’s greatest transformations. Let’s stop expecting mothers to go through it unchanged. Let’s give them—and ourselves—the space to grow into it, one messy, beautiful step at a time.”